It's June again...
Often I sit and ponder the boredom I feel when the fun and excitement of a situation or relationship wears thin, when it supposedly offers no more uncertainties, no more drama, when everything is supposedly in place. This supposed happiness that we hope for, yet when it appears, I do not feel as if I am content, but rather as if something is missing from my life or that this just isn’t it. Perhaps it’s been the experiences I’ve had to go through, the choices I’ve made over the past years. Have I come to enjoy it so much that giving it up feels so wrong and difficult?
When the situation becomes routine and ordinary, boredom finds me. I have come to accept this as the truth of my life, a result of the choices I’ve made, the character that I am and so, on those occasions I will and usually do find a way to defeat the boredom.
Lately I find myself in a state of self-absorption where the memories of recent and long in the past cloud my vision. I do not care for the other’s point of view, travails, trials, joys and pains to the extent that I dismiss it as trivial, none of my concern. Loss of empathy might well be the most enduring and deep-cutting scar of all, the silent dagger, tearing at our hearts and stealing our will and strength to care. For what are we without empathy? What manner of fun and joy might we find in our lives if we choose not to share or understand those around us?
I am surrounded by friends, some willing more than others to share in my life, yet I do not allow them in, finding myself unable to let loose the walls that has been so necessarily put in place. I have lost my empathy, and perhaps in time I will find it again, to open my heart and soul again to care… but without empathy, I find I simply don’t care.
But no, I don’t believe this is it for me. Things will and do usually work out in the end for me. That has long been my belief and I continue to hold on to it. I have come a long way, though of late, have lost direction and let apathy grab hold. It’s been far too long and it is time to leave behind for good these mistakes and regrets that make up the emotional dungeon I sometimes keep myself.
Introspective? It is that time of the year after all...
When the situation becomes routine and ordinary, boredom finds me. I have come to accept this as the truth of my life, a result of the choices I’ve made, the character that I am and so, on those occasions I will and usually do find a way to defeat the boredom.
Lately I find myself in a state of self-absorption where the memories of recent and long in the past cloud my vision. I do not care for the other’s point of view, travails, trials, joys and pains to the extent that I dismiss it as trivial, none of my concern. Loss of empathy might well be the most enduring and deep-cutting scar of all, the silent dagger, tearing at our hearts and stealing our will and strength to care. For what are we without empathy? What manner of fun and joy might we find in our lives if we choose not to share or understand those around us?
I am surrounded by friends, some willing more than others to share in my life, yet I do not allow them in, finding myself unable to let loose the walls that has been so necessarily put in place. I have lost my empathy, and perhaps in time I will find it again, to open my heart and soul again to care… but without empathy, I find I simply don’t care.
But no, I don’t believe this is it for me. Things will and do usually work out in the end for me. That has long been my belief and I continue to hold on to it. I have come a long way, though of late, have lost direction and let apathy grab hold. It’s been far too long and it is time to leave behind for good these mistakes and regrets that make up the emotional dungeon I sometimes keep myself.
Introspective? It is that time of the year after all...
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.
and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever.
Leen
10 January 1970 - 11 June 2004
posted by Starfeesh @ 09:00
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