Subconscious reality check

Today has been sort of emotional for me, and I find my thoughts are of someone I least expected on this day. I dreamt about Leen last night. It was really odd. In the dream, Leen was living happily I think in a place familiarly like Japan. She looked the same, maybe her hair has greyed, but she was still leading a healthy lifestyle, with her strict controlled diet. And she had a job, as an administrator… something she was very good at and I believe she was happy.

I was trying to convince her to come home. How odd was that? I was obviously a visitor and I had a backpack with me and was rushing to catch the flight home. She was insistent on staying and was also still very adamant that we were finished and she was going to stick to her life and that I had to go. It was as if this was what would have happened had she not succumbed to cancer.

I normally cannot remember dreams. They flit off immediately when I wake up. This time it was different. Even before waking up, I knew it was a dream and I was also so very aware.

Some belief that when you have a vivid dream of someone close to you that had passed away, is a case of that person visiting you spiritually. Personally, I don’t know where I stand in this belief. But I did find this dream pleasing and a little re-assuring. Is it weird that it felt good to see her? But I think the reality is I’m holding on to something and even my dreams are obviously telling me to move on.

I find sometimes certain events and situations I go through or even being with certain people, tend to trigger feelings and emotions in me and send me into some melancholic mood. And this leaves me wondering many times, that I might have adapted to a new lifestyle, but I’m far from having moved on and days like these make me think that I’m just spiraling on. And in reality, it’s not just a spiral; it’s a spiral in an endless loop, sometimes heading up, sometimes down.

Also, it makes me realize how fleeting good moods can be. I’m certain I was feeling great not more than 24hrs ago. Something about October…